Getting Real

I don't know how many blog readers I have left - probably not many since I've been so unreliable as a blogger this past spring and summer. But, for those of you hanging in there with me, it's time for a little "true confessions."

Reality is hitting.

I'm exhausted.

Yeah, kind of like Leo here.

Really, I think the technical/medical term is "fatigued."

I'm also achey in the feet, ankle, fingers, hands and wrists - with nodules growing on some of my finger joints.

The hard part of the reality is that the reason for this fatigue is probably health related and not likely to go away in this lifetime. The likely big cause of the achey fatigue? An autoimmune disease. At this point not sure which one, but have some ideas on that issue. Trying not to speculate though, because . . . well, because I don't like to be wrong, and this area of medical issues is a super complicated one where I'm likely to really get everything all wrong. I'm hoping to learn more from the Rheumatologist I'm seeing next week.

One reassuring thing is, I don't expect to die from whatever is going on, although some days it feels like I could just go to sleep and never wake up because I am just so very very tired.

I feel like a total goober for all the things I've not accomplished, done poorly, or somehow let somebody down just because I was tired.

I haven't met goals I set for myself.

I haven't done everything that I know would make my husband more comfortable in our home.

I haven't played with J as much as he and I would both like this summer.

But, I'm learning:

• Learning to manage fatigue.
• Learning to accept that I can't do everything that pops into my mind.
• Learning to prioritize.
• Learning to live a simpler life.
• Learning to take rests in the middle of the afternoon.
• Learning not to put two busy days in a row on my schedule.
• Learning to lower my expectations in some ways.
• Learning to grow despite the fatigue.
• Learning to trust God that the things he wants me to do can still be done with this condition.

And despite the fatigue, God is blessing me with so many opportunities. I've had four or five photo shoots scheduled for Senior Photos - I'm spreading them out so I don't get overwhelmed or too tired. I've been able to use some or my necessarily less active time at the computer to educate myself more on photography and photoshop elements. And many other things.

Heck, I've taken up reading again because although my body is exhausted and needs those afternoon rest times, my mind goes a million miles an hour. To prevent it from going a million miles an hour at guilt for what I'm not up and around doing, I read. Fiction is a good distraction.

My son and my husband have been wonderful about accomodating the new achey, tired me - most of the time. They didn't mind the camping trip where I just sat and read a book with my feet in the creek most of the time. J is picking up a few more chores around the house - I've even got him helping with dishes.

So, despite the reality that limits the amount I can get done every day, and requires that many things get placed on the back burner, I'm not depressed.

In fact, I'm inspired in many ways:

• Inspired about art, with so many many ideas, just needing to find the energy to get to all of them. Even got to start one last week.
• Inspired to find a good pace for my Mark Kay business that allows me to rest when I need, but still help meet the family goals.
• Inspired to allow God to work through this situation and show his strength in the weakness I'm now experiencing.
• Inspired to simplify my life so that all the things I do count for something.
• Inspired to do the things I can do and do them well.
• Inspired to celebrate the accomplishments of my son - including this:

Yeah, a bull's eye for my boy. He was so excited!

So, that is my reality. If you stayed with me this long, thank you! I hope to blog more often, but right now I just do it when I can.